The Choice Factor

It is that time of the year. The crisp air holds the promise of festivities. And if Dusshera is past, can KarwaChauth be far behind? As evening haze envelops Gurgaon, a strong whiff of KarwaChauth emanates from mushrooming mehndiwalas, sweet shops and bangle sellers.

Hailing from a family where women were unfamiliar with KarwaChauth, I wasn’t really excited by the idea of fasting, or decking up for a story session as a young bride. Given that my mother-in-law, bless her soul, was kind enough to respect my choices, I decided to test KarwaChauth waters with selective participation. Fasting entailed taking fruit and water, and prayer at moon sighting was personal, minus the customary story session. At first, the idea was to test my patience and tame my food temptation. Over the years, I have embraced the festival and many other rituals that were not a part of my growing up years. All because discretion trumped traditional expectation. And no, Ekta Kapoor had no say in my celebrations, if anything, her portrayal of KarwaChauth on television was a deterrent.

The trigger for writing this post is the fact that the rituals of the kind Karwachauth entails are held in contempt by some who call it ‘sexist’. Regressive. A few months ago, a noted journalist called the festival of Rakshabandhan ‘nonsensical’. The basic concept of the festival, according to him, was flawed because his sister was capable of defending herself. Another feminist activist tweeted that Rakshabandhan should be renamed Snehabandhan for the sake of gender equality. For me, Rakshabandhan was a celebration of sibling bonding and it did nothing to make me feel inferior on the gender platform. As long as festivals come with a discretionary choice, taking the nomenclature literally appears trivial to me. Moreover, in the world I live, sisters are a constant pillar of emotional strength and brothers seldom rush to rescue distressed sisters.

Coming back to KarwaChauth, it is interesting to note how Gurgaon couples have devised ways to celebrate the festival that appears punitive for women. From being an attention seeking dominant partner, the husband is gradually emerging as a supportive friend. Guilty of being placed on a pedestal where he is the deity and his mortal wife prays for his long life, it is actually amusing to see the sheepish grin on his face. So the guilty partner has devised ways to make up for the guilt. Pampering the wife by buying gifts is one. Keeping a partial fast in solidarity is another. Going out for dinner is equally effective. And so is spending the entire day together. Showered with all the attention, many women feel equally special, if not more.

Triggered by market driven consumption forces, most festivals and traditions will survive the test of time if the inherent idea is to respect free choice. Most urban working women, I find, are free to drink water, eat fruit or not keep a fast at all. And yet, in today’s age women download apps where they can see their husband through a virtual sieve. Interesting, right? From what I observe, it is not an Indian phenomenon alone for my US based sister-in-law and her friends adhere to strict fasting and celebrate most rituals.

Given the patriarchal society we live in, disapproval from feminist voices is welcome, but it is also true that bright spots are visible amid pervasive darkness of sexism. I see change when an Indian politician has to apologize to a porn star. I see change when an AAP advertisement depicting a homemaker performing household chores is slammed for perpetuating stereotypes. I see change when a woman officer leads the Guard of Honor for the US President. The lady is an officer first and then a woman -a woman free to celebrate or ignore KarwaChauth.

Whether it is Rakshabandhan or KarwaChauth, most festivals are about celebrating relationships and not about celebrating gender one-upmanship. This is not to blame feminists because from an historical perspective, Rakshabandhan and KarwaChauth might appear regressive, and rightly so, but from a discretionary angle the celebrations are gently tuning in with contemporary sensibilities.

Soon we will celebrate Bhai Dooj, which, I am hoping will be more acceptable to activists because it is devoid of Raksha. They can always rename BhaiDooj as Bhai-Behen Dooj. For the sake of equality, of course.