Dr. Fixit

My fiancée is pregnant. And I’ve been sleeping with her sister. She’s also pregnant. But I’m not ready for kids. Should I ditch them both?

Remember hiding a magazine in your shirt and reading the ‘Your Questions, Our Answers’ column in the privacy of your bathroom, when mummy was taking an afternoon nap? Since mummy wouldn’t tell, and since sanskari kids were not supposed to know anything about love or sex, this is how we grappled with adolescence. I am talking about the column where the magazine editor used to print one true story and imagine five other outrageous problems to create a sensational page in an otherwise staid magazine. But in spite of featuring all sorts of unrealistic sensationalist problems, the ‘Ask Me’ column was much more than a titillating page or a voyeuristic ride. 

Much like today, most problems were related to sex, infidelity, love and sexual health. At a time when there was no Sunny Leone, there was Dr. Prakash Kothari, a sexologist, God bless him, because month after month he told teenage boys that they were normal and that nothing was wrong with them. All in all, the ‘Ask the Expert’ column used to entertain and educate middle class India by virtue of being anonymous and handy. 

With the arrival of internet, Google became the new age agony aunt of the virtual world. While most advise columns were consigned to the dustbins of irrelevance, some survived. Like the HT column in the Sunday magazine called ‘Seriously Cyrus’. A lot of water must have flown under the bridge because a MTV VJ of our times is now an agony uncle.That he continues to make a ‘bakra’ of most problems is another story.

What’s most amusing is that folks who were known for everything else other than a stable family life like Ms Pooja Bedi used to dish out relationship advice. On second thoughts, it didn’t really matter because you don’t need a PhD in Psychology to answer, “I love a girl, but she married my best friend. What should I do?” Unless you want to tell the guy to murder her husband. No, seriously, what are the options when someone says, “My ex is getting married. Should I confess that I still love her?”

In a moment of pointless Bollywood abandon, “I suggest you wait till the wedding day. Hide behind the bushes and wait for the radiant bride to walk out with a garland in her hand. Wait for her to sit demurely with the groom. Wait for a few rounds around the fire. And just when she is about to begin the final round, come out in the open and say, “I still love you.” All will be well. Swear by Tanu weds Manu.

It is not difficult to understand why agony aunt columns are dying a slow death. In a world of instant gratification and banned two minute noodles, the idea of mailing your problem and waiting for a month for it to appear in print sounds silly, when you have your answers at the click of a button. Above all, who reads magazines? The last I picked one was at my dentists. I flipped pages but didn’t feel like reading at all. Who wants to read a magazine when the dentist is about to drill both - your tooth and your pocket?

So, if humor can soften the blows of life 'Seriously Cyrus' is just the right column where Uncle Cyrus tells us to laugh at problems. Most problems in life, they say are because of two reasons: we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting. Read this.

YYY: I work for an American BPO. My boyfriend doesn't like me coming close to him; he says I cant control myself. Please help.

Uncle Cyrus: Wait, did you say you work for a BPO or you have BO (body odour)? See, the apple fell on Isaacbhai Newton ji's head. His head did not rise and hit the apple. If it did, it would be Reverse Law of Gravity.By now you must have deduced that your boyfriend is the problem and not you. So,tell him to grow up or go back to playing with toy trains.

 Ha! Easy! This is fun. I want to do this too. As long as I am not called an Agony aunt. How about a 'Relationship Expert'?