Under The Weather

Also in Gurgaon Times, The Times of India, June 27, 2014

It is an annual unfailing exercise. In the month of June, like Rekha emerges during award season, the weathermen emerge from behind the clouds of ignominy. At this time, the television reporters begin visiting the Indian Meteorological Department. Ignoring the fact that 1.1 billion out of 1.2 billion Indians know that the monsoon first hits Kerala before arriving in Delhi, they ask, “When do you think the monsoon will arrive in Delhi?"
Of course, the misery of Kanpur, Bhopal or Meerut is not as important as that of Delhi-NCR. You can’t blame us Delhi-ites. When it rains, humidity kills. When it sizzles, heat scalds. When it  cools, bones freeze. And the rest of the time, we have  haze, smog and dust storms. No wonder, we in Delhi are obsessed with the weather. And at this time of the year, when the monsoon is there but not yet there, our weather fixation acquires the intensity of a tornado.

So we see a balding weatherman clearing his throat and educating us with all the authority at his command, “Delhi will have to wait for the end of June.” 

What he means is, “Dimwit, didn’t I explain it to you last year? And the year before that?”

Moving towards absurdity at a lightning speed, the reporter runs an old footage of a street vendor selling nimbu-paani. “Aap dekh rahe hain ki garmi se log kis kadar pareshaan hai.”

Meanwhile, his counterpart in Mumbai gets all excited about the high tide that hits Mumbai.

Mumbai Reporter: What do you think about this high tide? 

Random Guy (quickly throws the packet of chips on the beach, wipes hands on his trousers): I feel that Modi should do something to stop the high tide.  

Rather predictably, the month of June reminds us that the employees of BMC and NDMC have been busy playing cards for the entire year. Year after year. Because cars and people begin disappearing in waterlogged manholes.

Delhi Reporter near India Gate: Delhi-NCR mein mausam ne aaj achanak karvat li. Please tell our viewers how you are enjoying?

Random Gujarati Tourist (drenched but super excited): We are totally enjoy. Totally enjoy.

Given the heat Delhi tempers are directly proportional to the city temperature. We become Indira Nagar ka gunda. Anything above forty degrees comes associated with long power cuts, menacing stares, middle fingers and a slew of MC, BCs on the road. Don’t judge us. If you experience such heat and traffic, minus the electricity, you too will behave like a caged gorilla. 

Interestingly, extreme weather conditions in the month of June inspire social media users in myriad ways.

Delhi Guy: 48 today. Totally roasted, man. Dread my electricity bill this  month. 

Bangalore Guy: Huh? This is nothing. We had a thunderstorm yesterday. Couldn’t sleep for ten minutes.

Mumbai Guy: Sweating buckets here. 

Patna Guy: Privileged morons, can’t you think beyond the metros? No power for last 3 days!!

Why do I get a feeling that June is retribution time for Hyderabad and Bangloreans? They get the rains first. They are like, “Yo Yo Delhi Daredevils. Burn in hell and scald in your arrogance."  

May-June is also a time when reporters use the term El Nino as frequently as the number of crimes in UP. If you don’t know what El Nino is, don’t stress.

 El Nino is a Spanish soccer player. Okay, so you know your soccer.

 El Nino is actually a weatherman’s favorite whipping boy. When they don’t know what the hell is happening, they blame it on El Nino. Or a western disturbance. Or both. 

Image Courtesy: Google Images