The Uncle Factor

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At a time when powerful maternal uncles have become increasingly indispensable, I miss a benevolent influential one. Since my mother was not blessed with a brother, I don’t even have an uncle, leave alone a powerful one. When I watch the meteoric rise of the accused Railgate nephew  a sinking feeling engulfs me. Imagine the perks of an influential uncle heading a ministry or a resourceful uncle in the sarkari establishment? I could easily bag contracts, promise lucrative postings and jerk around, ‘Kya kar logey? Mera mamu hai na’.

The presence of a powerful uncle does different things to different people. For a struggling Imran, an uncle in Aamir provided easy access to movie directors. In the case of nephew who allegedly ran a cheat micro-financing company, an aunt at the helm of a state provided credibility. And for Emran Hashmi, an uncle in Mahesh Bhatt presented opportunities to kiss and sell.

Is it any surprise that I am tempted to adopt an uncle who can pull the strings in the corridors of power? I am planning to send letters, requesting for adoption to all the reigning deities (ministers and top bureaucrats) cutting across party lines. With the hike in air fares, my first attempt will be to adopt an uncle in the aviation industry. Imagine getting discounted  fares, not having to pay for extra baggage or an aisle seat. Depending on the clout of my adoptive uncle, I am not ruling out a cut in future aircraft deals – purchase and maintenance included.

An uncle in the tourism ministry would provide hassle free visa and an unforgettable stay at the beaches of Hawaii. Come on, it’s not that bad. An all expense paid beach holiday is a small perk compared to the fortunes made by other nephews and nieces, but it’s a good start to begin with.

I also intend to write a letter to the top officials in the  ministry for sports. For all you know, I will be flying business class to watch Olympics along with the Indian contingent. If nothing else, I will get free invites to all the IPL parties where I can shake a leg with Chris Gayle and discuss diamond clarity with Neeta Ambani.

Our Information and Broadcasting minister, they say, has tremendous clout in the corridors of media. If he agrees to be my uncle, I see myself in the DD studious dispensing wisdom on everything - from objectification of women to Talibanization of  society. Courtesy my uncle or his accountant, I can get unsecured loans to start my own news channel. Arnab, calm it down, 'your channel' will have a new rival. Soon.

Since defence ministry is tough to penetrate, I am aiming to adopt one of the top bosses in the armed forces. As defence deals go, a teeny-weeny cut  in helicopter transactions or coffin contracts will ensure bliss for my forthcoming generations. And how comforting is that!

Mamu, where art thou?