I Me And Myself

‘Great minds talk ideas, average minds talk events and small minds talk people’. 

Call me what you want, I'm going to indulge in some people talk. It is quite possible that I will end up upsetting relatives and friends. Never mind, I hope to sail through privacy settings. Now don’t get all judgmental, it is human to crib about something which repeatedly tests your patience. 

 

 I am talking about people who are so full of themselves that they can burst any moment. Let me bracket such lovely people into following categories for easier understanding.

Smug Braggers: They are a classic example of an obsessed psyche in an overdrive - my achievements, my kid, my house, my dog, my root canal. In short, they are in a perpetual self-congratulatory mode.

Me: You have a lovely house. 

Smug Bragger: I know. We hired an interior designer. Gave him a free hand – no budget. 

Me: Someone I know? 

Smug Bragger: (shrugs) He's expensive. I don’t think you can afford him. 

This actually happened when we moved to Gurgaon.

Me: I want to visit my brother residing in Chicago. But look at the rising air fares! 

Smug Bragger: Frankly, with the kind of money I make, air fares don’t bother me at all. 

Neither does inflation, I am sure.

Me: So, how was the company picnic? 

Smug Bragger: I couldn’t go. But it was a flop. You know the organization feels headless without me. 

I am sure they had a gala time.

Me: What’s your house number? 

Smug Bragger: Enter A block and take my name. Everyone knows me. Just say Audi waale sahab ke ghar jaana hai. 

Simply Audacious.

 
Name Droppers: The art of name dropping is a skillful habit. The name bomb needs to be dropped casually with indifferent ease. To be fair to the fairer sex, this category is specific to men who are on the upper rung of the corporate ladder. Here are a few gems.

Name Dropper: After the meeting, Mukesh said, yaar, why don’t you join me for dinner? I refused. I had a flight to board. 

Poor Nita Ambani! She was waiting to serve dal dhokla in gold plated cutlery.

Name Dropper: Murthy was after me to join his organization. I told him, I am happy where I am. When you rise ahead of your peers, people tend to resent you.

No wonder Infosys slipped from the perch.

Name Dropper: Arnab keeps inviting me for his debates. What’s the point? He is always interrupting. 

Yes, it takes some swallowing.
 
Such people are great entertainers if you treat their ego trip like a pleasurable game. Give them a long rope and have fun. 

Nosy Snoopers: These people are interested in every minute detail, including the price, the size and the brand of your undergarment. Some do it out of sheer inquisitiveness. Some wish to fish in troubled waters. Some derive sadistic pleasure by watching you squirm.

Nosy Snooper: Did you pay for your daughter’s medical admission? US vacation kitne ka pada? Did you take a home loan for the house? Only one son? Doosra hua nahin, ya kiya nahin ? (Couldn’t conceive or didn’t try?). 

Me: Please mind your own business. We are not even friends. 

How I wanted to say this!

When your reputation and upbringing are at stake, you try to mumble an incoherent reply. Or wish you didn’t exist. The good thing about such people is that they are willing to divulge their  personal details- 85.3 K for the sofa,10.2 L for son's admission and 12.3 K for the dress. Favorite position, frequency, fantasy – everything from corny to crass is ready to tumble out. 

Fake Boasters: These people rise from modest backgrounds but sudden name and fame results in severe indigestion. Bloating and gas actually. A stint abroad alters their accent and speaking in their native language is akin to blasphemy.

Fake Boaster: After the show, the reporter asked me a question in Hindi. You know my Hindi na? I could barely speak.

 The lady belongs to Lucknow and her father was a Principal at a government school.

Fake Boaster: I cannot survive a minute without air-conditioning. 

Were you conceived in Kashmir, dude?

 
Nay Sayers: These people are always right. So they will disagree with whatever you say. Contradicting gives them a social high. Nothing personal. It's just a habit.

Me: Nice weather. 

Nay Sayer: Nice? It’s damn stuffy. 

Me: Ms X is looking lovely . 

Nay Sayer: After a visit to the spa, who wouldn’t? 
 

Digvijay Singh maybe?

Me: Food is amazing.

Nay Sayer: Huh? The dessert is too sweet.

Know-It-Alls: These people are real sweethearts- helpful to the core. They are like vending machines. You drop a coin and they are ready with opinions and solutions.

Me: We are thinking of disposing the ancestral property. 

Know-It-All: You should sell it off and buy on the Dwarka Expressway. No need for a broker. Main hoon na. Vaise I know one buyer. (Takes out his phone and begins calling.) 

Wait!! Hello? I am yet to take a final call.

Me: I have adenofibromyoleptotitis. 

Know-It-All: Now listen carefully. Take 650 mg cipronorfloxodoxycycline thrice a day, before food. Take it with warm milk. It comes in brown and white cover. Remember to take the brown one.

Antibiotic prescription. Dosage? 

Seriously!

Am I cynical or have you met such people too?

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