LIVE BY THE STARS

A former US engineer Harold Camping is predicting the end of the world on May 21, 2011 at 6pm. After the visuals of Japan's devastation the prophecy cannot be dismissed either. It is pretty close, but who knows? As someone said, ‘Life is short, eat desserts first’. Almost immediately, I am tempted to go for a triple chocolate sundae. But what if the doomsday gets deferred?

Astrology is an ancient science, and making sense of planetary alignments is not everyone’s cup of tea. Lately in Delhi, pretty faces have taken to tarot reading. I have nothing against pretty women pursuing astrology but I have an axe to grind with frivolous predictions regarding seduction rituals, or romantic destinations.

A pretty astrologer in an esteemed publication reveals what the heavens say about how to please your loved one. Now, I read this particular column for the simple fact that I am extremely amused by the wacky ideas. They might hold true for you, I am not sure. I know zilch about birth signs.

http://indiatoday.intoday.in/site/Story/129452/Simply%20Delhi/all-starry-eyed.html

 I am  quoting verbatim. “To seduce an Aries you should wear reds and show lots of skin.” Strangely the prediction is not gender specific. So if you are a man with normal levels of hormones, then forget Aries, any birth sign can be seduced by a woman in red showing skin. Unless of course, the woman happens to be a Dolly Bindra or Nirupa Roy! But if you are a woman and a man in red tries his tricks on you, then the idea is very scary. I’d rather not even go there.

I am a Leo, and  the prediction goes, “Surround yourself with pink to keep everything at bay.” I dare not imagine my son and husband in pink, a la Govinda in a movie. It will be apocalypse anyways!

Scorpios, according to the expert,I should visit Morocco. Pray, who will foot the bill? Also a perfect gift for Scorpios is a ‘sexy pair of boots’. For starters I fail to distinguish between sexy, savvy, sultry or suave boots and also according to our tradition shoes are not ideal gifts, are they? I know my temperamental July born cousin, who if gifted boots will throw them on my head thinking that I am deliberately insulting him.

The most comical is the gift idea for Aquarians – Ayurvedic oils. Interestingly, Ranbir Kapoor is an Aquarian and his female admirers can gift him a ‘Dabur lal tel hamper’ for a romantic liaison with him. For a Sagittarian the ultimate gift idea is ‘binoculars or a bungee jumping experience’. If you are a Sagittarian, go figure out this one! Maybe this is what you always wanted.

For the Aquarians the suggestion is to ‘wear green’ for a change of job and ladder climbing. Perhaps MNCs have started promoting employees in green ensembles, a la Jim Carrey from ‘Mask’ or perhaps offices are celebrating each day as Environment Day. In an earlier issue of the magazine, there was even a suggestion to ‘try plunging neck lines for well being’. Excuse me? Can someone be age and gender specific here?


Yes, planetary positions, numbers and colors impact finance and health. Yet, general predictions which cater to a majority in one stroke are amusing. Consider a few samples in a daily newspaper, “Your body will respond to dietary changes and exercise regimens. In health matters you should be careful, especially those suffering from calcium deficiency. Romance or marriage is possible this year, do not consider anything impossible.”  Isn’t all of it obvious and generalized?

Starting a blog with birthday forecasts is not a bad idea, what say? Some wide-ranging ideas – “You could suffer from flatulence after a heavy meal and possibly experience an embarrassing situation,… do not argue with your wife as it is not a good time (when is a good time?), you could be stuck in a traffic jam, stay indoor as the heat can raise your temper,expect some hair fall today, some eye irritation  is also a possibility.”